The Irresistible Personal Astrologers recently kicked the Astronomy Team out of their office. The Astronomers had been to some conference in the desert, and came back saying that society is going to collapse, but that the tech billionaires will save us, and that all the answers are up in the stars. Sensing their time had come, the Astrologers took advantage of the break with reality and logic while the Astronomers were going on about a colony on Mars being the answer to climate collapse. They moved uncharacteristically quickly out of the cupboard in the corridor to the luxury of the Bureau. The best bit was, we only had to change two letters on the door, but ever since the move to real desks, the horoscopes have gained so much depth and insight, we realised it was our moral duty to share them with the world. The astronomers have gone back to the desert with a lot of tinned ham, some tomato seeds, Joe Rogan blasting on the radio, and two reconditioned AK47s. We wish them all the very best.
“I use and whole heartedly recommend the Irresistible Horoscope, especially as we enter the age of Aquarius. It really turned my life around.” David Hovenden, Media Mogul from Australia.
“I’ve found it invaluable for guidance, when I hit the ups and downs of life that we all do, of course in the personal arena, but mainly for business.” Anonymous Tech Bro, very rich, just moved from Silicon Valley to Miami.
Aries (Mar21- Apr19)
Saturn is going retrograde in Pisces for Aries, which means everything is growing, but it’s not just your waistline, friendships bloom, and you might find some extra cash in a colleague’s pocket as you offer to hang up their coat. You may have felt Asteroid Vesta move into Leo, so your internal flame is burning bright, and you are compelled to take action and create your own joy. For Aries, 2024 is all about becoming more independent and honoring your inner truth, and with Pluto now retrograde in Aquarius, you’re open to new connections who will help you find your path. So go on, tell the person working in the shop what you really think of the company, find ways to give unusually honest feedback in everyday situations, leave that angry comment on a strangers socials, don’t even use your anonymous account, and if you have to go onto the Dark Web to find your tribe, so be it!
Taurus (Apr20-May20)
Most of what’s going on with Taurus at the moment means that you’ve worked hard, and times have been tough, but that is all behind you now. You’ve set yourself up for some big rewards in the future. Jupiter is in Gemini, and Mars is moving into Taurus making you feel safe, that the plan is working. Pluto in Aquarius means your professional life, whether you’re still studying, or you’re already on the tools, will get a big boost, money and connection- wise. You can trust yourself now- you’ve got this. All of which means you can cut loose, make some mistakes, and build up some funny stories which you can bore people with in future board meetings. Everyone loves a boss telling them how crazy they were when they were younger, so go on, get lost in a weekend armed only with your passport and the phone number of your schoolmate who’s now a criminal lawyer. Even better, take them out to lunch right now.
Gemini (May21-Jun20)
Jupiter is calling in a lot of abundance for Geminis, and a confidence to set your course for your dreams. Over the years you’ve found balance and compromise with others, which was great, but this is the time to give yourself the present you were always denied, to do the thing you were always told you couldn’t do. What you want may sound crazy, it may be a locked up- secret, but you know you’ll kick yourself if you don’t give it a try. By being your true self, you will be more able to be there for others, even if they don’t see it that way at first. Where are the rest of your band you played with in High School. Could you get back together? If you paid for all of you to live in a villa in Jamaica for 6 months, could you get an album out? Surprise your partner by quitting your job and buying a massive boat, apply to home- school the kids at sea for a year while you sail around the world. They’ll love it! Remortgage your house and start an art gallery. Why not? You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Give it a go
Cancer (Jun21-Jul22)
For Cancerians, Jupiter is helping you heal as an individual, which is likely something you’ve been doing alone or with a therapist. Mars shifting into Taurus brings back attention to others- community, friends, colleagues, partners. It’s all about connections and collaborations and going back into the world after a period of withdrawal. But make sure they’re positive connections. It’s supposed to be about being with people who can increase your quality of life, not drain it. If you find the only people you know are the reasons you had to do all that therapy in the first place, can you really afford to get back on the merry- go- round all over again? Psychologists are expensive, and it’s a lot of sequined toiles, fake tans, and weekends away with your new choir group that you could buy for the price of a couple of sessions with Marjorie, who has been ever so helpful, but maybe it’s time to move on. You’ll have to start going to the work socials, get on all the apps with the networking function on, and trawl through tragic Facebook groups looking for meetups that don’t immediately make you wish you were just in a dark room with Marjorie. You’ll get there. And if you don’t, retrain as a therapist and become friends with all your new work colleagues that way. You never know, there may even be a clinic room free right next door to Marj!
Leo (Jul23-Aug22)
Leos are diving deep into their subconscious ideas, dreams and states of being with Cancer dominant. You’ll be dwelling on things this month, not only the past, but checking is your heart really here for the present, and the future you are creating. You’ll feel a desire to pull back from superficial social engagements, and with Mercury moving towards Cancer as well, you’ll want to talk deeply and openly about what you’re thinking. The idea is to make sure that this is the path you want to be on. If it’s not, there’s time to change. You may start journalling. You’ll be looking for internal connections that help you discover what you really want. You’ll definitely be meditating. And talking about mediating. Even when everyone else is sweating and dancing and singing Murder on the Dance Floor in a packed-out bar, you’ll be checking your yoga app to see if any spots have come up for the 5.30 am manifestation, mantra and matcha tea class. The benefit of losing all your friends will be you’ll have more time to journal, but don’t panic, this too shall pass.
Virgo (Aug23-Sept22)
Not only is the Jupiter Gemini energy giving Virgos a career boost, but there’s also a bit of straightforward luck about, so as well as getting any courses or accreditations done, it’s a good time to ask for a promotion or go for a job interview which you think might be just out of reach. Luck is on your side. There is a South Node in Libra for Virgos, so part of this luck is actually just knowing your own worth and not being afraid to ask for it, so money is on the way. There’ll be more fun with friends and colleagues, as Mercury in Cancer for you means you’re on a high from your achievements, and ready to share the good times. You’ll also find you’re aligning with people who have the same kind of ambition as you, or who can see your potential. Things at home might be a bit more reflective with a Full Moon in Sagittarius, some of that deep thinking we see in the other signs for you will take place with your nearest, and maybe not so dearest. In other words, stay out late, enjoy whoever you’re with, and don’t hurry home. Maybe even let your phone run out of charge. The person on the other end is going to want a heavy chat, and you just want to enjoy the ride. Tell them your boss insisted you stay out; you really had no choice!
Libra (Sept23-Oct22)
For Librans it’s a time for travel, new experiences, and personal growth while having fun. Mercury’s moves will help you make your plans, call up those old friends and get something booked. Venus moving into Leo is going to make you feel playful and lively so get something even more extravagant and outrageous booked. It’s likely that during these wonderings you’re going to get curious and feel inspired about some new directions or career moves. You’ll read some books and sign up for some courses. By the end of the month with the Sun and Mercury in Cancer, you’ll have figured it all out and know what you want to do next, and you’ll have had your friends around you for the journey. Yes, you really can find a new angle on a yoga studio in Bali/ Formentera/ Costa Rica. You can definitely earn more money online than in your current job. Why wouldn’t you get paid to be an influencer. You can live off the money you make from a podcast. All you need to do is find the right mentor selling an online newly discounted course. Go for it!
Scorpio (Oct23-Nov21)
For Scorpios the Gemini season is all about moving up to the next level, transforming into the person, the job, the relationships, even the home, you always knew you could have, if you were just a bit more assertive and could set clearer boundaries. Pluto in Aquarius will bring the changes, but it’s Jupiter which will activate your desires and your strength to get in the driving seat of your own life. If there’s something or someone getting in the way of your next steps, it’s time to move them to the side, and then all you’ve got to do is get on with setting up your next adventure. All this milestone- making will also bring you to the attention of others, and you’ll have to grapple with your natural tendencies to lurk in the shadows, or simply escape from the glare of being seen by running away or letting go of the plan altogether. Let it all play out and the rewards that you’ve worked so hard for will just keep coming. Scorpio is known for it’s vices. When you’ll feel the urge to fall back into familiar patterns, just for once, don’t do anything cray cray.
Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)
Love is in the air for Sagittarius. Firstly, make sure you’re only being around people and going to events that are making you feel good. This is going to help you start your love cleanse by giving you a boost. Venus in Cancer and Neptune in Pisces means that any old baggage is going to be swept away. You may find that you’re redefining what you want and enjoy, and you’ll have plenty of opportunity for romantic adventures, with Venus moving into Leo meaning it’s going to be intense! The North Node in in Aries and Pluto in Aquarius means that Sagittarius will have the chutzpah to speak their truth about their desires. Don’t be afraid of putting someone off by telling them that you’ve always wanted to do it dressed in a giant chicken suit. If they’re not into it, they’re not the right person for you. Go out there and find someone you can be honest with, and even if they haven’t got the same ideas as you, someone who will at least be willing to join you on your farmyard odyssey.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)
These months are going to be a time for getting organized for Capricorns. From what you do for work, to how you get to work, from how you’re spending your time and money, to what you could be doing more efficiently, you’ll be happy in one of your favourite pastimes; getting everything straight. Neptune in Pisces means you’ll be having great ideas about how you can do things better and collaborating with friends and teammates to streamline solutions. You’ll get such a lot done that thoughts will turn to your loved ones, as Venus, Mercury and the Sun all head towards Cancer, but in quite a practical way. Are your relationships providing you with support that you need, and are you being supportive enough? Tensions may heighten as you go on carving out your new schedules, and you’re getting a clearer idea of what’s working and what isn’t. Capricorns love spreadsheets, so go ahead and make a cost- benefit analysis of all your important relationships and remember to include your partner and your kids if you have any. Discussions will certainly pick up pace when you hand them the document.
Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18)
The message for Aquarius is carry on cruising, and there’s likely to be new love and fun times ahead. Gemini Air energy is attracting all the goodies into Aquarius life. If you’re looking to attract a special someone, do the things you love first and foremost, and everything else will fall into your lap. If you’re already in a relationship, it looks like it will get even easier, and you’ll slip into a deeper commitment without even trying. Similarly at work contracts, projects, even things you’ve planned with friends, will all easily fall into place without you having to try very hard. You’re definitely in a flow state. Thankfully, there will be a break from all this happy tedium at the end of the month, and just like a storm cracking the skies open after a run of fine weather, you can finally get stuck into some really good arguments. Serves you right for being so smug earlier on. Blowups are likely to occur on all fronts- at home, in the wider family, at work, even with your friends. Of lot of old resentments are aired, which is supposed to be a good thing, but remember that what’s said probably won’t be forgotten. Never mind you can always go to a Pilates class to make yourself feel better, and get some decluttering done when no-one is responding to your texts. You’ll be busy enough very soon though, scheduling all your make- up meet- ups, and trying to work out how to get re-invited to after work drinks.
Pisces (Feb19-Mar20)
It’s time to kick off your shoes and chill. Holidays, hanging out with friends, and being less productive are all on the cards for Pisces. So what if it’s coming up to the end of financial year, or the project your whole team has been working on for years is about to come to fruition, this is your time to relax. The New Moon in Gemini is all about your roots and being grounded, so you need to feel the green grass under your feet, you’ll want to run through the ocean’s edge at sunrise. At the very least you can stop wearing shoes in the office. When Health & Safety complain, tell them that you’re not responsible for the movements of the planet Jupiter, you’re just trying to be present. Insist that they instate a hobby afternoon and start researching local pottery studios for the team offsite. Venus in Cancer and Neptune in Pisces means some flirty fun for you, probably when you’re lying around in a park somewhere while ‘working from home.’ All this means you’ll be in good spirits when everyone around you starts arguing at the end of the month. You’ll be the one calming everyone down, and brokering the peace, and before you know it, no-one will be allowed to wear shoes in the office.
