Brian, 52, on all the apps. All the time.
I feel like time isn’t on my side, and now the divorce has gone through I’m keen to partner up, So I’m flexible. I only date around my own age and I can handle all kinds of crazy. But I have a problem with dogs. I like dogs, I just don’t like them in bed, next to the bed, staring at me while I’m getting down to business, sticking their private parts in my face as I wake up. I don’t seem to be able to meet a woman who doesn’t have a particularly strong attachment to their canine loves. Most of my arguments and break- ups, which are frequent, are to do with the proximity of the dogs to the action. The women who like me have dogs as their profile pictures, think they can communicate with the animals through sign language, and actually start crying when I close the door to keep them out when we’re about to have sex. I have to some degree given up and realise that I’m going to have to accept it. I’m growing my hair out to look more like a dog in the hopes that a woman might give some of their canine attention to me. I’ve discussed it with my therapist, but she asked me not to rebook. On the way out I noticed a picture of her dog. My next stop is a hypnotherapist to see if there’s something I can do to get into it. I much preferred it when I was younger and everyone was just into actual dogging.
Wendy, 32, has given up on Bumble, trying out Hinge.
I noticed a man doing something around a bush on the opposite side of the road to the cafe where I was sitting, and as he approached me I realised he was my date from Hinge. I asked him if he’d dropped something but he brushed it off, and we got down to painfully exchanging packets of information with each other. After 20 minutes he got up, and I presumed he was going to the bathroom. He walked over to the bush and pulled out a bunch of flowers wrapped in cellophane and brought them over to me. He explained he had bought them for me but before he gave them he wanted to see if he liked me. He congratulated me and even offered to cancel the date he had planned for later that afternoon. Presumably he didn’t want to have to buy more flowers. Who said chivalry was dead.
Leave your horror stories, your love stories, your weird stories in the comments….
